Pagan Coming Out Day: Living My Truth

Today, May 2, is International Pagan Coming Out Day. It is a day for those of us who are willing and able to be open about our practice of Pagan traditions and spirituality. This event increases Pagan visibility, highlights the strength of our diversity, shows many of us we are not alone, and gives us a common moment of collectivity across borders for the sake of mutual empowerment.

Some people do not want to Come Out, appreciating the practical introversion or glamorous illusion of a mysterious path. Some people cannot Come Out due to jobs, custody situations, local violence, challenges around losing family relationships, and other reasons. Fear, in general, is the biggest of these reasons.

And some of us cannot help but be Out all the time, like me. When you are the co-owner of a Pagan/Metaphysical store, read Tarot for a living, and are the High Priestess of a large, public Coven with an active, visible community ministry, it's kind of like wearing a sign on your forehead that lights up and screams "Pagan" to some, "Witch" to some, and "Weirdo" to others. Being Out is not always easy. In order to actualize my longtime dream of living a seamless life, where I could be who I truly am everywhere I go, without exception, I had to face my own fears and Come Out...about a lot of things.

In becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my mortality, and of what I wished and wanted for my life, however short it might be, priorities and omissions became strongly etched in a merciless light, and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quickly, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else's words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is most desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear into perspective gave me a great strength. I was going to die, if not sooner then later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. - Audre Lorde, "Transformation of Silence"

I read these words and I hear the voice of a Dakini.

Living a seamless and truthful life has been my goal since childhood. Children are often unabashed truth tellers, because they have not yet been conditioned to employ the tiny lies that thread through the fabric of social congress. Ask most children how they are feeling, and they will not politely say "Fine," and continue suffering in silence like so many adults do. They will often tell you in detail how they are doing, up to and including offering to peel back their band-aids and show you their wounds, speaking explicitly of body functions, or reporting about life as it truly is, in all its raw reality. As a former school teacher, I readily came to recognize the signs that a child had been beaten, bullied, or threatened into silence, because they carried a profound discomfort about them, as if they were itching under the skin with pain and isolation. I learned to be careful when dealing with these children, because their fear was so palpable that it was sometimes literally driving them crazy. I know many of my readers can identify with that feeling in some way, either as survivors of abuse, or being forced into an ashamed silence in some other way in your lives. While self-chosen privacy, Trad secrets, and other personal mysteries empower us, being pressured into silence irritates us, grates at us, and burns at our hearts. Shamed silence can also steal our life force, leaving us hollow and grey because we have had our full-color truth stripped from us. Without the truth of who you are, who are you? Without freedom to express yourself (or not) as you choose, at such a fundamental level as WHO YOU ARE, what other freedoms really matter? It's as though, in not talking about "it" (whatever "it" is), we can find nothing else to really talk about in a satisfying way. And the silence closes in, snuffing our divine spark. When we banish a core truth into shameful silence, we spiritually suffocate ourselves.

As a child, I witnessed and carried many private sufferings, within my own life, my family's lives, and the lives of my friends. I carry some of them still, because they belong to others and I have been entrusted and enlisted to help bear some very sacred, painful burdens. In fact, I knew at a very young age that I was a story keeper--someone people randomly spill their hearts out to. Being a story keeper is a job I am grateful for as an aware adult, but it was not so easy as a child. In fact, downright confusing. There grew, over time, so many things that I was not supposed to talk about, that keeping all the secondary stories/sanitized stories/replacement stories clear in my mind became exhausting and impossible. Mark Twain gave us a saying about this, "When you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." Folk wisdom. Simple-yet-difficult wisdom.

At the same time, the truth need not necessarily be confrontational. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Some truths are going to be painful no matter what, and therefore need to be very gently delivered. Other truths can occasionally be lightly held as common knowledge, without requiring endless discussion, analysis, or even common agreement. Other truths need to be a quick, clean knife, regardless of how much one's lesser self wants to hack with a dull blade or retreat from the sight of blood. Knowing which truths are worth battles, which truths are burdens, which truths will require kid gloves, and which truths will just surface naturally in their own ways requires discernment, courage, compassion, and awareness. Thus, today is an invitation for you to discern whether or not you want to Come Out as Pagan, whether that will be the needed courageous, compassionate, or awareness-building act for you today. For some of you, it will be. And you might feel afraid. That's OK.

You know that bumpersticker, "Sorry I missed Church. I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian"? That's kind of how it happened for me. My parents, who are neither liberal nor conservative Roman Catholics, really struggled with my truths of sexuality and religion. (People ask or assume: Am I heterosexual, lesbian, bi-sexual? For the record: I am sexual.) We went through a very, very rough time after it became clear to them that I was not actually the person they had hoped I would become. I was disavowed, yelled at, accused, made to feel very guilty about not living up to their expectations, and told that I was just being selfish and trying to hurt them.

I was so angry. I felt so heartbroken and rejected. So did they. I was afraid that I had lost my family. They were afraid they had lost me. We barely spoke for well over a year. It was so strained after that for a long while. Some of the tension still surfaces to this day, a decade later. No one said this was going to be quick or easy, though it doesn't have to be long and difficult, either. It just is what it is and your journey is your journey. For me, it basically came down (and still comes down) to saying to my family, "This is who I am and who I choose to be. I am aware that you might be disappointed with who I am and how I turned out. I don't want to hurt you, but I will not hurt myself, either, by living a lie with you, because I think that lie hurts us both. You are the ones who taught me that love is what makes a family, and I will love you even if you decide you can't accept me for who I am. I accept that you have choices to make and I support you in making those choices, even if they are painful for all of us." And then, I leave them to it. So far, they keep coming back and trying with me, just as I keep coming back and trying with them. And it is working. There is a lot of healing and purging of old hurts. My parents are still young-ish, but getting older. We appear to have a mutual-yet-unspoken commitment to getting in right relation on all levels, or as many as possible, together, in this lifetime. We work at it every time we speak, visit, connect. We are all committed to the work of it. However, even if they were not committed, I would still love them from afar and keep living my life as my honest self, because I, personally, could not live with myself otherwise. I'd always be trying to jump out of my own skin.

We have so many powerful Coming Out days. Maybe we need some powerful Coming Back days. 

This time last year, my parents and our family's best friends Joan and Denny came to visit me. They made this sign and enlisted astrobarry (ghostly in the background) to put it in the window of The Sacred Well so that it would be there when I showed up to work. Laughter, we have found, is the best medicine for healing from the conflicts under which we have all suffered. So, when in doubt, we choose to laugh. It's powerful.

Dakinis know this.

Coming Out as Pagan is not only a matter of visibility and our rightful exercise of Freedom of Religion, though that is arguably the most important part.

Coming Out as Pagan, for many, often means Coming Out on a variety of other things:
-that I am willing to question the status quo
-that I am willing to think for myself without apologizing for it or denying my own truth
-that I am willing to accept responsibility for my choice to live my life authentically, out loud
-that I will not allow fear or external pressure to dominate me
-that I love the path I have chosen, and celebrate it
-that I accept responsibility for employing my Will and spiritual technologies to shape the currents of my experience, surroundings, and perceptions

As I've mentioned before, not everyone wants to or can Come Out, as Pagan or anything else, today. But that is OK--I still hope you have enjoyed reading my personal story and found something useful in it.

Should you choose to Come Out today, or any time, about being Pagan or any other truth you carry, consider why you are doing it, how you are doing it, and what your motivations are. How can you Come Out from, and remain secure in, your joy and compassion, knowing that others might have a hard time with your truth? How can you treat yourself and others with compassion even if others do not return the favor? Who are your cheerleaders and supports that will give you a boost? What is your plan if things change after this truth is revealed? What is the best way to approach the topic so that you are treating yourself and all others with a lot of care? How will you reward yourself for living your truth? What other permissions might you give yourself once you have revealed your truth? If you are ready to reveal big truth in your life, are you ready to release feelings of isolation and re-enter a sense of belonging to a body larger than yourself? To see yourself as not alone, but one of many wonderful, fascinating, smart, passionate, curious, deliberate people in this Pagan world (and I'm including all that this term might mean to many people)?

Come As You Are Coven derives our name from an adaptation of a Rumi poem that we sing at all of our big rituals:

Come, come, whoever you are
even if you've broken your vows 10,000 times.
Come, come again.
Journeyers, wanderers, lovers of life
come, come, come.
This caravan has love to spare.
Come, come, come.

We keep Coming Out and Coming Back.  It's not only about telling the truth about who we are. It's about living the truth of who we are and allowing others their own truths as well. Again and again and again. It's how we choose to be family together, from our places of truth, no matter where we came from or how different we might all be.

Happy Pagan Coming Out Day!

Ruth Barrett and Bigotry

(Gentle reader, I am blogging from my phone, and therefore unable to make links live or employ typical formatting protocols until I can get to a computer. Please forgive the rustic look of this note in favor of its content.)

This frustrating and fascinating tidbit showed up in my Facebook feed from Ruth Barrett this week:

"Dear Community Sisters and Performers of the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival,

I want to give Alyson Palmer a standing ovation for her brilliant and eloquently crafted letter in response to the trans-activist’s call to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival performers to boycott the Festival. Alyson speaks to my own sentiments and I could not have said it better. In sisterhood and solidarity, I am writing to add my voice in support of Lisa Vogel and the women who honor and respect the Festival’s women-born-women (WBW) intention.

My friend Kathy, who has attended the Michigan Festival for well over 30 years, said to me last night, “How is it that “women” with penises are given more rights and compassion than female-born women? Why is my right to self determination being challenged by others who at the same time ask me to accept their self determination?” I echo her questions.

For 51 weeks a year I have unlimited opportunities to engage with male-born men and trans-people. For one week out of the year I want to be with my female-born sisters, girls and women. I come to Festival to help create, contribute and experience an embodied female reality. I come to take in the joyous expressions on our young daughter’s faces who can run free on the land, and experience this freedom in a safe space. My need, and the need of other WBW, to spend time solely with WBW is not trans-phobic. We are not AGAINST trans-women. This accusation of trans-phobia is a distraction from what we are actually saying and asking for. I have great difficulty with those trans-women and their allies who refuse to honor the intention of Fest as a healing space for WBW and the boundaries we have set. I am heart sick and exhausted by their bullying tactics, their threats to my personal safety, my wife’s safety, the safety of our home and our livelihood. Over the past years we have ignored death threats as we choose to stand for sacred space for WBW and girls. Trans-women and their allies can’t seem to accept being told “no” by women. Why can you not respect our need to gather with our own kind to heal, to rest, to nurture and restore ourselves? What possible threat are we to you?

Two of my very close friends, one who is a survivor of multiple sexual assaults, were traumatized when they individually encountered fully naked adult males in the shower at Fest. When my friends asked in stunned voices, “What are you doing here?” They were told by the trans-women, that they were “women” and had a right to shower there, penis and all.

I quote a recent letter I received from Alyson Palmer, director of “Chixlix” written to the Michfest Performers of 2013 concerning the online petition to boycott Michfest:
“ Anyone who truly understands the suffering of sexual harassment and abuse; the constant small violations and dark steady threat of even larger ones; the savage horror of rape or any of the sick tortures that the penis-proud wield so easily against women and girls of every age, would rise up and DEMAND that WBW have earned the right to a place in which to cling to one another and heal. To parade the dangling tool of the oppressor in the face of a woman who has been debased is unconscionable. The insensitivity of trying to force the victimized to get over it already so someone else can party woot woot is an insulting layer of fresh misogyny. It is selfish, it reeks of entitlement and it is cruel.”
I and other womyn like me stand for the original intention of the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. We need and deserve a week set apart for female-born women and girls to celebrate our mysteries, our creativity, ourselves, without fear.

The boycott demand of MWMF performers is patriarchal in its bullying tactics, and only demonstrates further a power-over mind set by trans-activists who would destroy the Michigan Festival rather than respectfully help to protect and preserve the now rare female spaces left to us WBW. We need the respite of Michfest for our healing, to create and celebrate the swirling cauldron of music, arts, dance, theatre, ritual, and comedy, that enriches us and empowers us to return to the patriarchial, penis-ruled world where female WBW continue to be defiled en masse, worldwide. The self-centered actions of those who seek to bully their way into the Festival, threaten the performers, and plan to create a drama-filled Festival, clearly demonstrate their utter disrespect for the needs of female-born women. Their actions also clearly demonstrate their unexamined, undiagnosed and unchallenged misogyny. I speak directly to all trans activists, Female-born sisters are not your enemy, and never have been. The feminist vision, intention, and work of creating Michfest solely for female born WBW simply does not include you because the festival was not created to address and is not intended to serve your needs.

As a Priestess and elder of Women’s Mysteries for over 35 years, I understand and value the importance of female-only space. This kind of sacred space has literally saved women’s lives, and continues to do so. The Michigan Festival has provided this sacred space for female born WBW for decades, because our life experiences matter. This is why so many of us have been planning our lives around Michfest for decades, travel great distances, spend hard earned money, and make sacrifices too numerous to mention, in order to participate.

I choose to give my goddess-given energy to female-born women and girls. I will continue to defend the right of females to gather, the right to define ourselves as female-born girls and women, and will not be bullied into submission by anyone. I seek no war with anyone. I stand in my truth and for whom I love. I love women and our children. May we, and the Festival survive to tell our stories of Festival to our great grandchildren.

Should the Festival intention change, or the Festival be destroyed (as is clearly an acceptable intention/option of some trans-inclusion supporters), I and many Festival performers and elders, will not return. To trans activists I say, the Festival that you have forcibly inserted yourself into will no longer exist, there will be no Michigan Festival left as we have known it. Trans-women and their supporters may stand on what was once our sacred space, now become a battleground, and insert their flag into the ground. The taste of victory will turn bitter as wars on women and girls always are. Will their victory be that there be no place left for us to celebrate ourselves as female beings in all of our diversity, power, and beauty? The thought of this sickens me in my gut and heart. I feel sadness, anger and frustration.

To trans-women who choose to violate the intention of the Festival, and the women who support their inclusion I say, “Stop. Stop. Stop!” May you learn respect for the needs of women and girls to have our time together. Stop making women who support the Festival your perpetrators and oppressors. We are not your oppressors. You are not our victims. If you really love and respect women, let yourself feel the needs we have. May you come to understand our need to have our time together once a year, on women’s sacred land. May those who have made the Festival their battleground, wake up. May they learn to respect the needs of women and girls that the festival has provided for 38 years.

It has been a sacred honor to contribute my own gifts to the miraculous vision of the Michigan Festival for the past 29 years. I stand for the festival’s intention with my body, my heart and spirit. It is my hope and prayer that I may contribute for many years to come.

Blessed be!
Ruth Barrett
Director of the MWMF Candlelight Concert,
MWMF performer, and workshop presenter"


I am not surprised. Nearly a year ago, when Ruth Barrett was gaining quite a bit of attention in the Pagan media for her apparent softening on the issue of transgender-exclusive space after an emotional and public confrontation with Transgender activist, feminist, and Priestess Melissa Murry at Pagan Spirit Gathering, she sent me a link to the coverage:

http://pncminnesota.com/2012/06/25/building-bridges-between-dianic-and-trans-communities-at-psg/


I replied:

Sent: Monday, June 25, 2012 6:41 PM
Subject: Re: podcast from Pagan Spirit Gathering

"These are very promising words. I will similarly be watching your actions to see if they match."


Ruth responded with:

On Jun 25, 2012, at 4:54 PM, ruth barrett wrote:

"I know that you don't know me, Rabbit, so you don't know already that I always endeavor to walk my talk to the best of my ability to do so.
I am in a state of gratitude for the new partnership of support forged at PSG, and hope that our efforts will be supported by the pagan community.
R"


I responded with this:
(Full Disclosure: I have removed about 10 sentences from this message that specifically dealt with other individuals by name, and I do not have permission to publish those personal details for public consumption.)

Date: June 27, 2012 7:41:07 AM PDT
Subject: Re: podcast from Pagan Spirit Gathering

"You are right. I don't know you except by reputation, media, and our very few encounters. While I have no personal quarrel with you, these limited points of contact have thus far shown me that your integrity as a leader leaves a lot to be desired, in my eyes. Perhaps we have different definitions of integrity. Perhaps we have similar definitions of integrity. Only time and observation will tell. I cannot speak for the entire pagan community, but I am completely open to seeing you in a positive light. I am completely open to supporting you again if you earn back my trust. Before I met you, only having read your book and heard your music, I did see you very favorably...I wanted nothing more than to see you in the best light at that time, excited and enlivened as I was by your work, Z's work, and the Tradition. Recently, your words and actions have shown me other sides of you that I find distasteful. It will be harder to earn back my esteem now that it has been lost. This is true not only for me, but for many people who have become disenchanted with you over this issue. That is the way of these things- it's easier to maintain a good reputation than to recreate one. But it is possible. Thus, as I mentioned, I will be observing your actions. For my part, integrity would include:

- demonstrating that beyond a few feel-good promises, you are intending to follow through with educating yourself about the transgender experience, choosing to use inoffensive language consistently, choosing to create inclusive rites as well as experience-specific rites at public gatherings, and demonstrating a deep knowing and acceptance that this topic is not ever, ever going to disappear from your community priestessing radar.

- a certain amount of public humility. True humility will be apparent in action. Similarly, so will bandwagon jumping for the sake of turning the bad PR about the Dianic Tradition in your favor. As of now, what it looks like from the outside is that you and Z are both very afraid of losing a stream of revenue for your priestess work, and are therefore talking a good game. While I trust there is a measure of sincerity in your words, because you ARE a divine daughter of the Goddess and therefore a being of love, I also smell money fear when I suddenly see you and Z softening your stance on this issue RIGHT AFTER Z launched one of the most offensive Facebook diatribes I've seen mere weeks ago, and in the face of extreme pressure to either play ball or see a potential stream of revenue dry up. So, humble and genuinely invested action over time will counter that appearance and show me that this is, indeed, a sincere effort.

I guess, overall, what I want to see (and perhaps this is reasonable, and perhaps it is not, but it is nonetheless it is what I perceive is needed at this time) is for you to drop the prideful stance of High Priestess in favor of being a humble sister and friend to all humanity. The sister and friend to humanity is the true High Priestess. The crown is nothing but a piece of metal or leather unless the mind beneath it is devoted to a highest good, even if that carries one beyond one's own personal agenda.

So, there you have my full opinion. Please know that I have no need to make you wrong, to demonize you as I have seen others do online. I have no desire for any of this to be painful for anyone. But right now, I am crystal clear in the knowing that you are still tangled in some things that may yet cause a lot of pain to others, and will severely hurt you and the Goddess community as a whole. Please think about what I have said.

In service to the One who is Beyond Names and Labels,
Rabbit"


So...what happened, I wonder? I never received a response to my letter, but I didn't really expect I would. I knew these things would be tough to hear. They were tough for me to hear when I went through my own process of discernment around this issue, a discernment that brought me into a very profound period of personal transformation. But these hard truths are part of the journey. Where did Ruth Barrett's commitment to growth go? Or was it actually ever there?

Because a smart Priestess who was walking her talk in this situation would definitely have done some reading, and would know that the term "women-born-women" is offensive. I understand that some people do not know this at first, but that innocent ignorance cannot last for long when the information is readily available.

Because a caring Priestess who walked her talk would have taken the time to really get to know several transgender women, and would learn that what some of them suffer in rape, assault, and a deep feeling of phallus-aversion is equally extreme to whatever you might suffer.

Because a skillful Priestess who cares about both MichFest AND personal growth around gender issues would begin thinking strategically about how to create a sense of safety there for ALL women attendees, including Trans women AND separatists, and would begin dialogue from within about how to meet all needs. It's a big place. There is room for everyone if people will just be patient, compassionate, and solutions-oriented in dialogue about it.

Because...well, a Priestess who walks her talk, a year later, after garnering so much good will and positive attention for her promise of growth, would not have written the letter that showed up in my Facebook feed this week.

Melissa Murry, the brave Goddess who stood up and demanded to be counted at PSG last year, responded to Ruth's recent letter with this video, and I will leave you with her powerful words. Please go watch this woman level some truth and wisdom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCtJomzo1xk&sns=em

Equinox: Balance & Crazy Wisdom

Yesterday, the Internet was all about rape. Articles and blogs and info graphs and rhetoric about rape dotted the feeds and punctuated the comments sections. It was a good day.

Today, the Internet is full of sweet blessings and happy wishes for Spring, cheerful and quirky art about rabbits and chicks and flowers, lots of innocence and prettiness. It is a good day.

A good day is not without its share of pain, nor its share of happiness. The universe is comprised of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows.

A good day is any day we draw another breath and take the opportunity to learn another lesson. Some lessons are difficult and painful. Other lessons are joyful and cheering. Others are difficult and joyful. It's not merely a spectrum of options. It's a border-less sphere without a center.

Yesterday's lesson was a very challenging one for me, emotionally, and yet I was heartened to see so many people willing to engage the difficult conversation. I watched (with my heart in my throat) as people online rolled through waves of rage, powerlessness, compassion, grief for society, grief for the illusion of innocence and longing for the ease of willful ignorance. Does seeing the word "rape" mentioned over and over and over begin to make you feel really uncomfortable? Good. That is gnosis. There is no not-knowing, now, that we have a serious problem with how we have enculturated gender, fear, power, and rage, and bound them to violence. There is no not-knowing, anymore, that we have a serious problem with how we shape illusory power in the minds of young men and how we maintain that illusion for them as a society through old age. (And yes, also how we shape the minds of young women and also that this statement is still incomplete because there are those who do not identify, or who identify differently, but I cannot make this so general as to not address the largest current statistical problem.) It is good to look at this problem of violent masculinity. This problem affects all of us, and it will take all of us to create the needed healing and remediation. I was horrified to see the constant barrage all day yesterday of "rape, rape, rape," and yet still very encouraged that people are LOOKING RIGHT AT IT. Good. We need to look at it directly under a very bright light. We need to interrogate this concept.

Now- hold that thought and don't look away from it. Do not allow aversion to take over. Do not allow it to fade. Do not allow the hormones that your brain is issuing forth right now, armed with forgetfulness potion and screaming, "STOP THINKING ABOUT IT," keep you from remembering that rape happens, that it is wrong, that you feel personally mustered to do something about it, and that it involves actually doing work and having difficult conversations. For the rest of your life. Every time. If you want to call yourself a Warrior for anything good on this planet or in the cosmos, please just get used to this right now.

Today, we see all of the light of the first day of Spring, and what an ease it is! What a balm to my weary eyes! Yes! Bunnies and kittens and flowers and maidens dressed in white and laughing. Big sigh. Big relief. Big joy. My heart rests in pleasure. I feel safe and comforted by the expressions of beauty. The rain tapping on my window this morning gave me succor. My snuggling kitties and beloved husband-to-be listened to me and gave me space for my feelings last night, and today I awaken refreshed.

...and in the back of my mind, I am still aware that, more than ever, this feeling is something everyone deserves. We all deserve to be safe and happy and beautiful and filled with love. This means, more than ever, in this rape-torn world, that the enculturation of beauty and tenderness and respect and integrity and gentleness into the masculine is necessary in order to bring balance and create healing. Whenever we get to have these moments of bliss, this psychic jouissance, we tend to want to cling to it. So, the good news is, we do get to hold on to it. We are allowed to choose to create a world of bliss and joy by being bliss and joy and protecting bliss and joy. We just have to commit to holding these feelings...forever. All of the time. If we want there to be a world of bliss, we can create it. It just takes constant attention and intention, as well as 100% agreement of all people on the Earth. If you want to be a force of Love and Beauty on this planet or in the cosmos, you're going to have to commit to this.

How can I be a committed Warrior, holding that grim Reality in my consciousness, and at the same time also be a committed agent of Love and Beauty, employing pleasure as my tool of change? And how can I possibly stand doing both of these things 100% of the time? I won't be able to keep it all up. I just know it. I will fail and fall. And the world won't get better because the world has always had major issues. Rape has happened for millennia. Spring comes, but then it goes and death returns to the land. I might be forced to take a physical stand and defend myself or another person. I might have to stop pretending things are pretty and fun. Why am I responsible for any of this? It's not my problem. I can't control it.  None of it matters. What point is there when we are all just tumbling like a red sock in the dryer anyway?

By cultivating discernment, complexity and skillfulness in myself, I can find my place of balance within this whirling, border-less sphere, again and again. As often as needed. Forever. Anyway.

Right now, we need rape education and prevention to take root in the heart and mind of everyone who cares about the topic. We need people to be willing to firmly move the topic forward in practical conversations and activities. Moaning and lamenting how "we need to do something in this country" gets us nowhere. Instead, speaking up and taking a stand in the moment rape culture expresses itself begins to turn the tide. Holding your ground and providing correction against the centralization of the imbalanced masculine shapes the emerging dialogue. The world turns.

Right now, my garden is sighing and cooing and bathing herself in the cool watery morning light, warming up to the Sun. Right now, people are exploring the pleasures of Spring in many different ways. There is innocence and sweetness this day. Allowing one's self to enjoy the quirky and unpredictable beauty of emotion and nature in a world where joy is frequently extinguished and creativity discouraged is the beginning of a personal revolution. Providing that experience for others is an act of peace. Allowing even those who have caused harm to earn back the right to love and beauty, along with some very firm and results-oriented corrective education and action, can make an enormous impact. The world turns.

The Equinox reminds us that light and shadow co-exist. There are, I might add, many other colors and spectra visible and invisible as well. It's all here, Now, and we cannot pretend that it doesn't all exist, that it isn't happening, or that any of it makes sense. We cannot know if we will actually change the world, yet we must pretend that we can in order to do what needs to be done. To know that and live with it is a sort of holy madness. Currently, what is dubbed "sane" by many businesses, scientists, religions, and civic authorities seems very insane to me. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. So if "sane" is not the goal for me at this time, then perhaps I will reach out into the Void and grab hold of some holy madness instead. To me, this is one of the definitions of magic- a willingness to come undone, defy convention, and journey into the vastness...then to come back from it transformed, forged, and rendered more wholesome as a being.

Tibetan Buddhists call this "crazy wisdom." I have been working with Milarepa lately, so perhaps this is why I feel Mad as a March Hare today, contemplating the co-existing sorrow of the rape culture dialogue as well as the joy of Spring's first day. When I am honest with myself about it, I see the inevitability of the tension between sorrow and joy for as long as humans endure. And I act as a Warrior, and as an agent of Beauty and Love, Now. Forever. Anyway.

To me, the crazy wisdom thing to do right now is to not allow aversion to take over. The crazy wisdom thing to do is to say, "We are all here together. We all created this mess, now let's all clean it up." The crazy wisdom thing to do right now is to take a stand for good and hold it forever, no matter how many times my foot slips out from under me upon this spinning, hurtling Earth. The crazy wisdom thing to do right now is to enjoy beauty anyway, to be love anyway. The crazy wisdom thing to do right now is to take a moment to be grateful for the blessings that still exist, even amid horror. The crazy wisdom thing is to seek the balance point again and again and again. Not just today, but every day. Forever. Anyway.

Silent Moon 2013

Hello Lunatics, Lovers, and Poets,

I'm barely squeaking this post in during the Full Moon window. This month in CAYA, we explore Silence.

How can we find silent time to restore and regenerate our enthusiasm for our lives/work/relationships?

My lips are sealed.

CAYA Coven Responds to Fox Network

For immediate release
Contact: Jessica Matthews, Presiding High Priestess
Come As You Are Coven, Northern California
510-444-9355
rabbit@sacredwell.com

Come As You Are Coven Responds to Prejudicial Comments on Fox Network

The Clergy of Come As You Are Coven, an Interfaith Pagan community in Northern California, take exception to the statements about Pagans and Wiccans made by Fox Network commentators Anna Kooiman, Clayton Morris, Tucker Carlson, and Tammy Bruce on-air Feb 17, 2013.  The inaccurate and slanted reporting and commentary permitted by the Fox Network on the topic of the recognition of Pagan and Wiccan holy days by the University of Missouri was an incident of egregious misinformation, lack of research, blatant sexism, religious prejudice, and personal invective.

The remarks made by these Fox Network hosts were especially irresponsible in light of the increasing diversity of religious tradition in America, where members of minority religions still struggle to establish equality and fair treatment in their schools, local governments, civic organizations, and communities.

Given the current politically divided climate, it is crucial for the media to hold a high standard of integrity and commitment to fair discourse about the diverse cultures in this country and the countries with which the United States interacts. This is achieved through unbiased reporting on News programs and fair discussion on opinion programs, sensitive delivery of both factual material and opinion-based material, and thorough research to establish the verity of assertions made by reporters and commentators. The media has a responsibility to act with conscience and accountability in the selection and appropriate preparation of the individuals who are professionally tasked with informing and influencing large portions of the population.

In this case, accurate factual information about Pagan and Wiccan holidays is widely and readily available online, in libraries, in government documents such as the US Army Chaplain’s Handbook, and in a number of state and district court cases where Wicca was specifically recognized as a religion protected under the First Amendment. There is no sufficient excuse for the gross misrepresentations allowed by Fox Network on Feb 17.

We request that this issue be addressed by Fox Network via an immediate, prominent, on-air apology; significant on-air retraction of specific comments with factual corrections; visible dialogue with practicing Wiccans and Pagans conducted in a respectful manner; and appropriate commitment by the Network to providing the individuals responsible with a mandatory professional course of diversity training in religious and sex/gender sensitivity.

As an Interfaith Pagan organization that recognizes Wicca as a major influence, and that also recognizes the First Amendment right of each individual to choose a personally meaningful spiritual path, we denounce any efforts to undermine the sacred nature of any religion/practice, holy day, and/or celebration, especially but not limited to those growing, emerging, and/or marginalized religions/practices.

We applaud the University of Missouri’s sensitivity to the needs of its Pagan and Wiccan community members via recognition of their holy celebrations, and encourage other academic, government, and business institutions to include similar awareness of these holy days in their own administration and planning.

We support the varied and diverse efforts of the concerned individuals and groups who are bringing this issue to public attention and mobilizing Pagans and Wiccans to demand public accountability and fair resolution.

#####

The Clergy of CAYA Coven are each going to be sending this statement to the Fox Network and the FCC at the following addresses:

News Corporation

1211 Avenue of Americas, 8th Floor,NY, NY 10036

Federal Communications Commission
445 12th Street, SW
Washington, DC 20554

If you like this language and it expresses your feelings well, feel free to adjust and use this for your personal or group purposes.

That One Time at PCon when I Accidentally Invoked The Beast

There were many beautiful, powerful, intense moments at PantheaCon, and I bring you one that gave me a holy-wow-laugh. The Universe has as excellent sense of humor. And there is some amazing magic possible when we surrender to laughter as a means of recognizing the Divine.

So, there I was, sitting in the CAYA Common Room (we were in 672) on Sunday night with several members of my Coven, and we were talking story about the day- what had happened, what we had seen, songs that had been sung, lessons learned. I was recalling the power and presence of the Thoth Hermes Mercury Rite presented by Sam Webster and the Open Source Order of the Golden Dawn. It has to be one of the most powerful rituals I have ever attended. Members of CAYA formed a large part of the chorus for that ritual, and enjoyed our work with OSOGD on this rite very much. They give good Temple.

Not everyone had been able to make it to the ritual, so in my report I sang them this beautiful song Sam wrote:

Had Re Nu Abrahadabra
Hermes Pantos Apolytos
To you and all your host we offer
Form, sound, smell, taste, touch...
the whole of space.
Father's Milk and Mother's Blood,
the fruit of existence.
Come and enjoy.

I concluded and there was silence for a few seconds-- this is a powerful wisdom song and we could all feel that. Then, everyone burst out in praise- oh, that's really a good one, very beautiful, wow that's amazing, etc.

I said, "You know, magicians are very interesting to me. They do and say all sorts of things that I find fascinating and magnetic." Everyone agreed- yes, yes, very deep, wise, and mysterious, these magicians. General respect shown round the room for this. An attractive part of magicians' je ne sais quoi.

I then said, "For example, I had no idea that Abrahadabra was a Real Thing until I started learning about magicians. But it's actually a very big deal. And they do these hand gestures. It all has a very dramatic effect the way it comes together. I mean, imagine how powerful it must feel to have a special way to point your finger and say Abrahadabra in a big voice. It's pretty intense." And I mimed the action, pointing my finger at the door and saying the word. Everyone agreed, yes, yes, that is really pretty awesome. Very interesting. Good tech, big effect, very cool-looking, etc.

Just then, a woman walked in the door, carrying a stick and wearing a hat with a rounded brim, and a cape. "Hello," she said. "I hope you don't mind, I heard your beautiful singing and thought I'd pop in. I'm your neighbor from down the hall. I'm The Beast, you might say. I'm in room 666."

!!!

Beginner's Mind

This week, I am preparing to attend PantheaCon, a pagan conference in San Jose. I'm washing all of my red and black outfits, madly typing up ritual outlines, and checking my suitcase twice to make sure I have all the gear I need for the many workshops and events I will be attending.

One of my favorite things about attending PantheaCon is the opportunity to drop into Beginner's Mind. There is such a wide variety of different Traditions, practices, techniques, and ideas shared at PCon. For someone like me, who wishes with her whole heart that she could somehow know All The Things, it's a great chance to learn completely new information, revisit existing topics, and gain new insights from others' perspectives. For me, Beginner's Mind is a pleasure and a necessity for my well-being, because at this time in my life I find myself often in the position of having to be "the one who knows the answer," whether that is in a tarot reading or Right Livelihood consultation, or making a professional decision about my business, or in teaching CAYA's Aspirants and Initiates.

In CAYA Coven, we value Beginner's Mind, and talk about it a lot. Part of our system of teaching is that we share with one another what we are passionate about, in small-group meetings. This can occasionally mean that a beginner in a topic will make a beginner-level presentation to the rest of the group. The group might include very experienced practitioners, as we are a highly eclectic Coven with many different levels and types of experience included. In this scenario, it would be easy for the experienced ones to sort of write off the beginner as a "newbie," or sneer at the lack of critical analysis or basic information that a beginner-level presentation might contain. After all, we see this tendency all the time, everywhere from the entertainment industry to spiritual teachers to new authors to you-name-it. Someone comes out of the blue with a new work and people begin to say, "But who the heck is that? I've never even heard of them before," or "That's good information...if you're a beginner. Not very useful to me."

Yet, when we take off the "expert hat" and allow Beginner's Mind to rise within us, there is so much joyful growth possible. For example, I have been working with Ancestor reverence for many years now. I have visited the graveyards, dug up the dirt, left the offerings, sung the songs, framed the photos and funeral prayer cards, anointed the heirloom jewelry with holy oils, whispered the names, lit the candles, made the sugar skulls, served up the dumb suppers, read the diaries and cookbook margin scrawls...I have a solid practice. It's active, engaged, and rich already. And, that said, I am still not tired of hearing about everyone's various methods of Ancestor reverence. I want to hear about "how you make a special violet tea and put it in that special cup with the violets on it from Aunt Fanny who loved violets and we had them at her funeral and then next year violets just mysteriously grew on her grave and Mama said it was a miracle." It's the human aspect that stimulates me in that scenario. I do not actually need instruction on how to prepare tea as an offering, but when you tell me the story of how you do it and why that is sacred to you, it then becomes really important to me to hear the details. I find pleasure in your process, and am inspired to go home that very day and make tea for my Ancestors.

One of the reasons we in CAYA cherish Beginner's Mind is because we are actively engaged in a perpetual process of learning. What that means, for those of us who are more experienced, is that we are given great gifts from our "newbies": the freshness of their enthusiasm, new perspectives on existing topics, and the joy of exploring one another's very diverse viewpoints. Occasionally, we like a good debate as well. "Newbies" keep us on our toes with their curious questions, bold assertions, hypotheses, processes, and fresh ideas. They are holding an important and divine role in our work together: the embodiment of authentic Beginner's Mind.

And for those of us who are more experienced, to go within and locate that source of Beginner's Mind with its freshness and excitement for a topic or practice can be a little more difficult when left to our own devices without a helpful "newbie" around. How many times have any of us found ourselves smug and secure inside of a practice or principle that then becomes stale? How many times have we found ourselves so overly-familiar with a practice that we begin to cut corners and take the easy route rather than maintaining diligence, simply because "been there done that"? Beginner's Mind is a great antidote to the creeping crustiness that threatens to throttle the expert.

When I go to PantheaCon, I love to engage my Beginner's Mind. I'm looking forward to hearing about peoples' beliefs and practices, even the ones I already know about. I am ready for my mind to be blown wide open, even if it's just with the reiteration of a concept I already know, spoken with truth and clarity by a fresh voice. What a gift!